Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a communication technique developed invented in the 1960s by Marshall Rosenberg, a well-known psychologist and mediator. His work included providing training for peace programs in many war-torn areas of the Middle East, Northern Ireland, the Balkans, Africa and Southern Asia.

Understanding the Core of Nonviolent Communication

The foundational principle of NVC is the belief that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy. We only resort to harmful behaviors when we do not recognize more effective strategies to meet our needs.

Usually, harmful behaviors happen because of miscommunication of our needs via language meant to induce fear, guilt, shame etc - what Rosenberg considers as "violent" communication.

Components of Nonviolent Communication

NVC has 4 main components:

1. Observation without Evaluation: Recognize events and behaviors without adding our interpretations or judgments.
2. Feelings Recognition: Understand our emotional reactions to those observations.
3. Needs Acknowledgment: Identify our underlying needs or values that are causing those feelings.
4. Making Clear Requests: Articulate what we desire in a manner that's actionable and devoid of demands.

It's important to note that can be tricky to distinguish between observation and evaluation/judgement. It's sometimes natural to be quick to judge and it's important in this step to hold judgement and focus on just observation.

The Giraffe and the Jackal Metaphors

In NVC, the Giraffe and the Jackal serve as symbolic representations of different communication styles. In NVC training and practice, the giraffe and the jackal are often used as teaching tools to help people recognize their communication style and its impact on others. The goal is not to demonize the jackal but to be aware of times when our communication turns judgmental, defensive, or disconnected. By recognizing our "jackal" moments, we can consciously choose to switch to a "giraffe" mode of communication that is more empathetic, compassionate, and constructive.

Let's expand on these metaphors and delve deep on what they are supposed to truly convey.

The Giraffe: A Symbol of Empathy and Connection

The giraffe is chosen as a metaphor for several reasons. Firstly, it has the largest heart of any land mammal, symbolizing the compassion and empathy that are at the core of NVC. Secondly, the giraffe's tall stature allows it to have a broad perspective, symbolizing the openness and understanding that come with empathetic communication.

When we communicate "giraffe-style," we aim to:

• Listen Deeply: Just as a giraffe can see from a high vantage point, we try to understand the bigger picture, listening not just to words but to the unmet needs that might be driving the other person's behavior.
• Speak Honestly: The focus is on expressing our feelings and needs openly and without judgment. Here, the aim is to communicate our authentic selves, while also being considerate of others' feelings and needs.
• Act with Compassion: The ultimate aim is a dialogue where everyone's needs are met through mutual understanding and cooperation.

The Jackal: A Symbol of Aggressive or Passive Communication

Contrary to the giraffe, the jackal symbolizes a more confrontational, judgmental, or disconnected form of communication. Jackals tend to be survival-oriented animals and are often perceived as aggressive or self-serving. When we communicate "jackal-style," we may:

• Blame or Criticize: Jackal communication is filled with moralistic judgments, blame, and criticism. It's more about diagnosing the other person rather than connecting with them.
• Act Defensively: When responding to others, the jackal may take things personally and respond with defensiveness or aggression.
• Speak from a Limited Perspective: Unlike the expansive view of the giraffe, the jackal sees only its immediate needs and desires, often ignoring the broader implications and the needs of others.

NVC in the workplace:

When Satya Nadella assumed the role of Microsoft CEO, one of the first things he did was to ask the top executives to read Marshall Rosenberg's book, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships".

Conflict Resolution

Interpersonal conflicts are inevitable in any organization, but how we choose to address them can make all the difference. NVC is often a go-to strategy for resolving interpersonal conflicts among team members or between employees and managers.

Instead of placing blame or making accusations, NVC encourages us to express how a situation impacts us, state our needs clearly, and invite a collaborative discussion to find mutually beneficial solutions.

For example, if a team member consistently misses deadlines, rather than labeling them as "lazy" or "unreliable," an NVC approach would involve expressing how the delays affect the project, articulating the need for timely contributions, and engaging in a constructive dialogue to identify and address any obstacles or concerns.

Team Building and Leadership

Leaders play a critical role in shaping team dynamics and organizational culture. By incorporating NVC principles into their management style, leaders can create an environment of trust, respect, and open communication. This can be achieved through regular one-on-one check-ins, team meetings that encourage authentic sharing, and even team-building activities that emphasize NVC skills.

When leaders model vulnerability by expressing their own feelings and needs, they create a safe space for team members to do the same. This fosters deeper connections, enhances collaboration, and allows for more creative problem-solving. Moreover, by actively listening to and acknowledging the needs of their team, leaders demonstrate genuine care and concern, which can boost morale and employee engagement.

Customer Service and Client Relations

Customer service and client-facing roles can particularly benefit from NVC.

When faced with a dissatisfied customer, the instinct may be to become defensive or dismiss their concerns. However, an NVC approach involves listening deeply to understand the unmet needs behind the complaint. By asking open-ended questions and reflecting back what they hear, professionals can demonstrate empathy and create a space for collaborative problem-solving.

Instead of reacting defensively to a frustrated client, the NVC calls the person to understand the underlying needs that aren't being met. For instance, in a case where a client is unhappy with a product, asking open-ended questions can unearth specific issues, and from there, solutions can be mutually agreed upon. Clients who feel truly heard and understood are more likely to remain loyal and recommend the company to others.

Reframing Performance Reviews

Traditional performance reviews often feel like a high-stakes, anxiety-inducing experience for both managers and employees. However, by infusing NVC principles into the process, organizations can transform these conversations into opportunities for growth and development.

Instead of focusing on evaluating performance as "good" or "bad," an NVC approach seeks to understand the needs that are being met or unmet in relation to job expectations. This shifts the dialogue from one of judgment to one of curiosity and collaboration. Managers and employees can work together to identify areas for improvement, set meaningful goals, and create a shared vision for success.

Enhancing Self-Awareness

Beyond its interpersonal applications, NVC can also serve as a powerful tool for self-development. By becoming more attuned to their own feelings and needs, professionals can better manage stress, make more informed decisions, and show up more fully in their work and relationships.

Tools like Voohy reflections, which encourage regular check-ins with oneself, can be particularly helpful in developing this self-awareness. By taking the time to label and log their emotions, professionals can gain deeper insights into their internal experiences and learn to communicate their needs more effectively.

Drawbacks and Trade-offs

One of the main criticisms against NVC is that it often requires a lot of skills and training to do it right. It is often taught rigidly and with little nuance, so a lot of people seem to think that the only way to use NVC is to have a standard template of response.

Some criticize NVC by saying that it overvalues the role of the individual and undervalues the role of structural violence. Oftentimes what people need is not just compassionate communication techniques like NVC, but systemic changes in their institutions. NVC doesn't address that to a great degree.

Should you use NVC?

NVC can be a great way to create positive change in the workplace, especially if your existing ways of communication are dysfunctional. Even if you're not using using NVC as a framework, it might still be usefull to be inspired by the elements of NVC, such as the Giraffe and Jackal Metaphors, the concept of observation without evaluation and so on.

Doing so will enhance trust in an organization and develop deeper bonds within people. That in general, forms the basis for great culture and high-performance.